Monday, June 21, 2021

Bicentennial Memories



There are journaling exercises I perform where memories are activated by songs played on iTunes. Recently, I’ve been playing pre-selected pop hits from the 60s, 70s and even some 80s. Sometimes, I’ll seek out a certain week or month to activate memories of specific events. I’ve written about this before but lately I’ve really been fascinated by just how many memories are recalled with these exercises. I guess the memories have been there—lodged in my subconscious all these years—but it’s the songs that bring them to the surface.

I’ve written about 1976 previously on this blog but it keeps coming back because it was such a special year—personally and nationally.  As far as the world stage is considered, I’m not very knowledgeable about events from that year but nationally, the country’s Bicentennial celebration was well underway. The year began with the second half of my 6th grade year at Holy Rosary Grade School and ended with the first half of my 7th grade year—same school. In between, the summer of 1976 was the pinnacle of national fervor over the Bicentennial, culminating on July 4th with spectacular televised fireworks from every U.S. city broadcast on TV. I was particularly impressed with images of The Statue of Liberty in New York harbor with the glistening towers of The World Trade Center dominating lower Manhattan. I was beginning to have a keen interest in architecture at this time. I probably would have followed that path later in life if I’d not been hampered by an arithmetic aptitude disorder (undiagnosed until I was in my 30s) and a general aversion to anything that involved…well..work. The President of the U.S. at that time was Gerald Ford. The economy was in shambles and, from my distanced perspective as an astute couch historian, the country was on its way down. Handed to Jimmy Carter with the election later that year, his inability to improve things would ensure he lasted one term.

My homeroom teacher at the beginning of the year was Sister Jude Marie (see “Sister Jude Marie,” “Eating Words” July, 2018) and she was the best possible teacher to have been assigned for fragility wrought by the tragedy of the previous year (see “Peace, Denny” from “Eating Words” May, 2018). My mother had written to my oldest brother (then in college) stating, “Tommy is enjoying his teacher this year. Sister told him that his artwork for the Bicentennial contest was good and he was happy.” I think Sister Jude Marie recognized what was best in each student and encouraged it. I remember the fact that she wasn’t easygoing and could be hard on me but it was a strategy I needed. I was generally very lazy when it came to academics and I benefitted from a dose of discipline though I didn’t recognize it at the time.

In June of that year, my parents took me and my sister Amy to the commencement ceremony of my oldest sister’s then fiancĂ©, who was graduating from the Naval Academy at Annapolis, Maryland. Doug was a good-looking, farm-bred small town boy who had the added benefit of smarts. He was always nice to me and would frequently send letters while he was attending the academy. I was happy to get them and he encouraged my then interest in all things dinosaur. At the time, he would stimulate my interest in archaeology—sending newspaper clippings about new discoveries. Once, he also sent a computer-generated banner with each letter of my name made up of hundreds of each letter in smaller font to spell it out. I kept it on my bulletin board for years even after he broke the wedding engagement with my sister, Mary. The break-up devastated her and I remember very clearly feeling empathy (a childhood rarity for me) in regards to the separation. 

I often think of my parents’ struggles during this time period. Dad was 51 and still working as a railway clerk at what was by that time changing names from Penn Central to Conrail. When he began working for the railroad, it was simply The Pennsylvania Railroad. In the early 1970s, bankruptcy forced a re-structuring but things didn’t improve. A reorganization court ordered the railroad to develop a plan to save Penn Central. The result was Conrail—owned by the U. S. government—nationalized on April 1st of 1976. Dad would eventually retire from Conrail in 1985. The intervening years—including this critical year of 1976—didn’t do anything to assuage what I now know to be my father’s real fears regarding job security. Mom, 53, had a few years left as a homemaker before she would get a part-time job as a dietician at a hospital in a neighboring town. She would often complain about money—or lack thereof—and impatiently waited for multiple household improvement projects which would be put on hold repeatedly. The money just wasn’t there. She wanted simple things like wall-to-wall carpet (a mid-70s staple, as ubiquitous as faux wood paneling) and a modernized kitchen. I can remember the proverbial shit hitting the fan when my father purchased a boat that year. It sat propped up in our backyard nine months out of the year. My mother would stare out of her 50s-era outfitted kitchen window muttering “there’s my new kitchen” as she glared at that boat.

I spent the year oblivious to such things as money. I wished I could skip turning 12 in November and just move right into my teenage years. I couldn’t wait to grow up. Now I wish I could go back to those carefree days just to afford appropriate cherishment. As for the actual Bicentennial celebration…for all the buildup, it was sort of “blah"--kind of like the song that's playing as I wrap this up: "Afternoon Delight" by one-hit wonder Starland Vocal Band. Infectious but not memorable.

(click for link to video)

Afternoon Delight





Monday, March 1, 2021

Our Hidden Depression

 My mother was never professionally diagnosed with clinical depression but in an experience she related to me back in 2009, I became convinced that she suffered from more than just mild depression or sadness at a certain point in her life. 

I was still a toddler and my mother had to make a run to the only bank in our small town. The bank had a walk-up teller window and cars needed to be parked on a steep incline to access the window area. After conducting her transaction--as she told it--she got back into the car and like a thunderbolt, the sadness and grief she was experiencing manifested in a horrific thought. Long before the lawful requirement of car baby seats, I was happily bouncing around unbelted in the front passenger seat. She put the car into gear and briefly considered ending it all by running full speed into a solid brick wall a block away. She thought it would be the fastest and least painful way to die. What alarmed me was not that she briefly considered suicide as a remedy to her problems. I mean, we've all had thoughts of suicide at one time or another with no serious intention of carrying them out. But what told me that my mother was seriously, clinically depressed--not to mention alarming for purely selfish reasons--was the fact that she was willing to disregard the toddler seated next to her. Me!

She recounted this story while I was visiting her in Pennsylvania several years before her death and just four years before my father passed away. The subject came up matter-of-factly as we were talking about recognizing the difference between "feeling down" and full-fledged depression. At the time, my dad was declining rapidly from advanced Parkinson's Disease and frequent bouts of dementia. Her plate was full but her dedication to my father was admirable and selfless. It caused me to think about all of the times in her life when she was saddled with five children and struggling just to make it through each day. It also made me appreciate how so many of her generation regarded professional help as stigmatizing and markers of inadequacy. Professional help may have alleviated so much pain.

Shortly after I was diagnosed with a life-altering prognosis and began to feel the helplessness and despair that came with it, I was primed for my own bout with clinical depression. I feel extremely fortunate that I was able to work through this time with a qualified and understanding therapist. Any thoughts that may have prevented my mother from seeking such care were far from my own mind at the time.

As we now see the lingering, collective effects of COVID in our lives, I gently suggest to friends who are struggling that they shouldn't rule out therapy. Sometimes, professional help can literally mean the difference between life and death. I'm glad mom didn't choose death despite never seeking professional help. I'm also glad that I'm alive to tell this story. 

(my mother at home. November, 1962)





Saturday, January 30, 2021

Perfect Friend

 There are people I know with a bevy of friends who, at least from appearances, seem to enjoy a closeness with individuals unrelated by blood. And I find such relationships enviable. I can now say, after nearly three score years, that envy may not be the appropriate word for my feelings. I may in fact be jealous of them. Someone once said that the difference between jealousy and envy was this: to envy someone's life or circumstances is to see it and wish it for themselves, to be jealous is to see their life or circumstances and basically say "if I can't have it, I don't want them to have it either." That's a pretty sad self revelation. I'm working on it. I know jealousy is a strong word and I certainly don't want to risk alienating the few acquaintances I have. Many people I know seem to enjoy a wide circle of what they might call "good friends" with a tighter circle of what they may call "true friends." For me, a "true friend" would amount to friend perfection. A true friend would be a perfect friend and that--well, it just never happened for me.

I've had a number of friends over the years and many of them have been loyal and good, to a point. My formative years were difficult and social interaction was limited by factors beyond my control. There were also what I can only describe now as instinctive behaviors that were expressed in the comfort of social isolation. As a child, I actually preferred to play for hours alone. In some cases, I think my imagination substituted for friends. If I couldn't manifest the perfect friend physically, I could  do so with a quite vivid imagination. 

My 20s and 30s were witness to a steady conveyer belt of friends who often did double-duty as lovers or fuck-buddies, both male and female, who further blurred my understanding of what true friendship might be. I sought in vain for the perfect friend not really knowing how to define what a perfect friend really was. By my fortieth year, at some point I laid out the definition of what qualified as "the perfect friend." I knew that no one in my past or present met these qualifications and it saddened me. It also forced me to look in the mirror and flip the script, asking whether or not I ever met any of these strict qualifications. I had to admit I didn't. In fact, I was a pretty sorry-ass friend all the way down the line. How could I ever expect anyone to meet up to my lofty ideals when I could barely qualify for the lowest of my own standards?

When I decided to care for my aging mother in the years before her death, something about what she said one day struck me as one of those "as true as it's gonna get" statements. She was 93 years-old and was the sole survivor of six siblings. She had lost all of her closest friends in the intervening years and she literally had no one left. Our discussion that day centered around her getting out to potentially make some new friends. She rolled her eyes, softly framed with wrinkles and wisdom, and laughed telling me, "It took years to cultivate the friendships I had. We were close based on shared history and common interests we discussed over years of sharing time together. It's not easy to start from scratch at this point." She had something there. 

I may be screwed. 




Thomas · Introeatingwords2.WAV

Thomas Boylan · Perfectfriend.WAV