I've been thinking a lot about death recently. I don't think it's something that just popped into my mind. It's been there, on and off, for several years now. Perhaps it's just amped up a few notches lately as I see my parents getting older and have witnessed many of their friends dying recently.
Whatever the reason, I'm finding it necessary to reevaluate my long-held beliefs about why I'm here. For years, there was a smug assurance that I had answers--if not all of them, many. It's a great comfort to feel that pressing questions about existence have been answered. It takes some of the pressure off our daily routine--especially when that routine becomes depressing or is accompanied by dreaded thoughts of futility.
I was reading a copy of a lecture by Jean-Paul Sartre the other day. It was delivered to an audience in Paris on October 29, 1949. Sartre had already gained international notoriety as a playwright, novelist and philosopher and he'd become quite influential throughout the Western world.
In the lecture, he laid out a list that he'd developed about the principles of atheistic existentialism:
1. We are totally free. That is, we are not determined by heredity or environment.
2. Since there is no God to define our being, we must define our essence.
3. We are completely responsible for our actions, and we are responsible for prescribing a moral philosophy for everyone else too. We create our morality.
4. Because of the death of God and the human predicament, which leaves us totally free to create our values, we must exist in anguish, forlornness, and despair.
5. Yet we should celebrate the fact that we are creators of our essence and our values.
There are things about these principles that are surprisingly comforting to me. But there are numerous principles that are disturbing.
It's nice to be reminded that we're totally free. Sure, it produces some anxiety but it also gives me a great excuse to sit around and do nothing on a given day, free of guilt. I can't remember the last day I actually did that, but I know that I have done it and remember the feeling of liberation it gave me.
When I read or hear something like "since there is no God...," I find myself alternating between extreme sadness and overwhelming joy. I mean, I've studied existentialism for years, particularly as it relates to art. But as much as I try to embrace the concept of no God, I find myself searching for alternatives almost immediately; no judgemental God, for instance. Or perhaps the comforting thought of God as mother. In the end, I can't seem to escape the foundations of my earliest childhood indoctrinations: God=puppetmaster=benevolent or mean, depending on his mood.
Perhaps I can give myself credit for some maturity here. In previous stages of my life, many of these thoughts would have produced paralyzing fear. Today, they just leave me with a question that I can't answer: Why am I here?
I find this post very fascinating for several reasons...
ReplyDeleteI am currently taking a World Religion course basically for fun and it has brought forth a lot of my own questions.
What I have come to see is the idea that I need to find what I feel is the best for me and take those principles and apply them to my life and live the life that I believe is the fullest and best possible.
Second, I struggle so much with God because of being an out lesbian, so many people want to tell me that I am going to hell. Who in the hell are you to tell me that I am going to hell and can you not go to hell for judging me? I know that there is a Higher Power at work in my life because I have witnessed, been a part of, etc to many things for there not to be.
I am truly coming to believe a lot like the Buddhist in the fact that we all have to work out our own salvation and do what it takes to reach Nirvana or the highest place possible in our life.
I just thought I would share this and would love to hear what you have to say back...
I really loved reading this post and seeing others question some of the same things I question.
Rene
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments. As an out gay man, I too struggle with supposedly pious individuals who condemn me in the name of God. I also appreciate your certainty that a higher power exists. My recent doubts have been largely due to what I see as lack of proof in this concept--yet I too have experienced and witnessed many things that tell me a higher order is at work. Your insight inspires me to continue to reflect and write.
Thanks again,
Thomas
I am glad that you are wanting to continue to reflect and write...I think that is what is so important during a time like this...work it out for yourself, find where your peace lies and find what you feel is the truth for yourself, because that is all one can truly ask for. We need to have peace within ourselves in order to be able to live a harmonious life with the rest of the world. I am interested in following your reflections and your writings because I think the path you are starting on is going to be a fascinating and unique one to see how things develop.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for being so willing to share what you have to say and not being afraid of what others might say when they read it...that inspires me and I am now contemplating starting with making my writings in a blog to see where my path leads.
Blessings to you!
Rene