6/28/10
Mon. 7:12 AM
Dad's care is grueling. It's really a 24-hour a day job. If mom feels trapped, I can see why. Today, I woke at 6:30 because my stomach was bothering me. I have diarrhea. I took something for it but I feel generally pretty bad. I've a cough that won't go away. This has been going on for the past several weeks.
I can see why mom gets so depressed. Frankly, however, I don't see how a week in Maryland will solve the ongoing dilemma--it's just too much work. It really is as though mom is working a full-time job at 87 years of age. It's just crazy.
I'm not sure if dad's case is unusual but it appears he is in great "internal" physical health. He takes all of his medications on schedule (mom sees to that) and he eats well. His ambulatory and memory skills, however, are another story altogether. How this is dealt with every day is just amazing. It takes a great deal of patience. At times, I can see mom getting short with him. This is understandable given the day-in, day-out grueling chore that is his full-time care. He does not respond to her in a thankful way which really irritates her. I've reminded mom that this is still dad's personality we are dealing with here. He's never been a person inclined to such behavior. In this respect, dad behaves no differently than he has all his life.
11:30 PM
Mom and I spent a good deal of time going through family photographs this morning. It was a real pleasure to revisit some of the memories we barely scratched the surface of last visit. One of the great things about doing this is are the wonderful stories I hear about all the family members and friends. Also, seeing dear departed relatives is a bittersweet part of this ritual. The photographs are a way for me to tap my memory bank as well.
Seeing dad losing more of his memory every day gives me a great deal of anxiety when I think of how this appears to be genetic. Physically, I am so much like dad. I've the same skin, same features. It's all kind of frightening when I think about living to old age. But...who knows? I've no guarantee of living to a certain age. I don't even have a guarantee of outliving my parents! Wouldn't that be a shocker?
As I read all of these journal entries, I'm transported back to that summer. My personal life was in upheaval. The stress of my life in Texas was exacerbated by my increasing dependence on alcohol to numb the reality. This visit to Pennsylvania strengthened my resolve to put in motion my eventual relocation to Virginia to be closer to my parents. What I didn't know is that we would be losing dad in January of 2013. The last nearly two years of his life would be spent in a nursing facility about seven miles from the home that he loved. Mom diligently drove each day to be with him. She never wavered in her support for the man she loved and she took the vows of her marriage very seriously. I do think that if we hadn't taken the steps to get dad into the facility, mom would have eventually suffered physically. She was already quite worn down from the demands of his care.
7/1/10
Thurs. 5:05 PM
Today was a challenging day. We were to take my dad to a town called Phillipsburg to get new hearing aids. We got a late start because he went to the bathroom in his pants before we left. The plus on this is that he didn't do it after we left. I was disturbed with a few things watching the events of the morning unfold. First, it is both unrealistic and dangerous to just assume that mom can handle this role anymore. It is an untenable situation. In this morning's case, the nurse (who had performed an excellent job in getting him ready) was already gone. If I hadn't been here, there is no way she could have done it on her own. How she has thus far is a huge mystery to me. Secondly, she is increasingly fragile in the mental sense. I can see not only a short temper, but a pervasive depression interspersed with signs of resignation. I feel it should be a number one priority to get her some professional help as soon as possible to deal with the overwhelming pressure that she is under. Third, I am concerned about mom's physical health. Though she continues to have stellar check-ups, she seems tired and weak at times. I'm having a hard time recognizing if these are physiological manifestations from all that she is doing or perhaps just normal signs of aging. Whatever the case, it's alarming to see her this way. The resentment toward my father is building, while at the same time, her fears that he will need to go to the nursing home are valid and need to be discussed. We can't move ahead until these issues are dealt with. I am also concerned about my physical health. I'm so tired since I've been here that I honestly am worried. I can barely keep my eyes open as I write this. I'm sitting in the sun on the patio. The weather is absolutely gorgeous. It's been in the 70s and there is a cool breeze.
While mom was in Maryland with my sister during a week of the visit, I got a much clearer idea of what it took to care for my father each day. My sister eventually had the talk with mom in which it was decided that we move forward with his move to Elk Haven. It was a sad and emotional time for all of us. But it afforded me a new respect for my mother. She was simply amazing. I think this is one of the major reasons it was so easy to finally make the decision to move from Texas to eventually take care of her. I honestly think I was preparing for that even before we lost dad. To this day, I'm glad I made that decision.
Mom walking toward the patio of her beloved home. Elk Avenue, Johnsonburg, Pennsylvania. July, 2010.
No comments:
Post a Comment