Give Me Time

2018 is getting ready to say goodbye. I'm so ready to say goodbye to it as well. I don't want to say it was a bad year. There were many good things that happened in 2018 and I don't want to minimize or dismiss those events, milestones and occasions. I do wish to clarify, however, the feeling of release I am about to feel when the clock strikes midnight.

Time is a creation. Nature has its own markings and indications of change.  All those calendars, schedules and stamps are not part of nature. I'm not naïve and don't expect everything to magically disappear when the clock rolls over. But, because I am a creature of the moment, I give the numbers their due. The numbers that defined the year of 2018 will be indelibly lodged in my brain. These numbers will mark losses...and I'm not sure if there is a recovery date for those. I suspect there will not be. But seeing "2019" rather than "2018" will hold some power. Granted, the power is minimal but at this moment I'm willing to take anything I can get.

January was the month I lost my mom. I hate to say I lost her as I sense that part of her will always remain as long as I have the sense of memory. But I lost the most precious gifts that our short physical stay here affords us: human touch and verbal interaction. April brought another dramatic loss--my precious dog Eva. I had her love and companionship for close to fourteen years. A move to another city within the span of one year would be another change--newly acquired friends and familiarity with our environment was a different type of loss but a loss nonetheless.

In September, I found out that my dear first cousin--who has been at many times in my life like a sister--had stage four esophageal cancer. On a trip to Texas to visit her another of my furry companions (living with my former roommate) died. All this in the midst of my continued adjustment to physical limitations and pain related to major surgery I had to undergo in 2016. Although this surgery saved my life, it left me with another loss. The loss of one's formerly fragile but acceptable body image is staggeringly shocking. At least for me it was...and is.

There have been many times in my life where holding on was a clear and frightening requirement. But I did hold on. I did it again a few times this year. Time is a creation. It's true. But it is a reality in this life. It is responsible for the losses and gains and a distinct marker of our mortality and humanity. Perhaps 2019 will be the year when time can be kinder. Time has also been described through the years as a gift. I would like to look at it as a gift this new year. The gift will be to appreciate my present each and every day. God willing, it will be a good year.