A Course in Miracles and Me (Back to Basics) Part III

 "This is the only thing that you need to do for vision, happiness, release from pain and the complete escape from sin, all to be given you. Say only this but mean it with no reservations, for here the power of salvation lies:

I am responsible for what I see.

 I choose the feelings I experience, and I decide

upon the goal I would achieve.

And everything that seems to happen to me

I ask for, and receive as I have asked."

(Text, page 448)

The names of the collaborators (Helen Schucman and Bill Thetford) are nowhere found in the books that make up the three volume set of A Course in Miracles nor are they heavily publicized elsewhere in ACIM literature and few if any of the numerous ACIM followers' books will you see these names. Beyond Marianne Williamson, some of the earlier writers (among them Jerry Jampolsky and Hugh Prather) and a few other notable names, there is what seems like a whole new roster of ACIM writers out there who materialized long after my introduction to The Course. But regarding the source material itself, very few of these writers mention Helen or Bill. Why is this? The Preface to ACIM actually answers that question. According to the writer of the Preface, "The names of the collaborators in the recording of the Course do not appear on the cover because the Course can and should stand on its own. It is not intended to become the basis for another cult. Its only purpose is to provide a way in which some people will be able to find their own Internal Teacher." (Preface, page viii)

One of my earliest journal entries after I "discovered" the Course had me reassuring myself that I'd not "joined a cult" as I was leery of anything that had cultish undertones. The late 1970s and early 80s were prime periods for what became a pretty popular business of "deprogrammers" who parents would hire to try and persuade their grown (and sometimes minor) children to leave any number of organizations that had gained great popularity--such as the Unification Church (Moonies) or Hare Krishna (satirized comically as popping out of corners at any airport selling incense and pamphlets) which had a reputation of "kidnapping" these impressionable young folks. I knew that ACIM was about as far from that as could be. I also knew that it would impact my life forever.

But it stayed on my bookshelf for long periods between numerous spiritual adventures and a brief flirtation with agnosticism and even atheism. By 2016, having been married for not even an entire year, my whole life was flipped upside down when results from a perforated bowel surgery put me at death's door and awarded me a  nearly three-month hospital stay. Recovering from laparoscopic surgery just a few days before the incident, the emergency abdominal washout was extremely invasive and has left both physical and emotional scars. It was necessary, however, to save my life. After coming out of the powerful anesthesia, the pain that racked my body (and this was pain experienced while dosed with very powerful pain medication) had me convinced that I was on the way out. I was angry and scared as I lay on that hospital bed. I have no idea how I did it but I managed to make a phone call to the church where we'd all become parishioners. Mom liked that church so much. The on-call "priest" was actually a deacon and one that I didn't find comforting in any sense. I don't even recall what he suggested beyond praying with me but he didn't even offer to come to the hospital to see me. There was some noting of the late hour. But no one ever showed up. And I guess that's my point. I was at the very deepest level of fear and just wanting to give my soul or spirit some assurance and none was provided. Did I even think about the Course? I can't recall. But I did think a lot about it once I was back home and on the road to recovery. I know that my survival was a miracle and I'm sure that I was given this extra time to review my life and really examine my relationship with A Course in Miracles. 

Mom's death in 2018 hit me hard. But by the time it happened I had already been using infrequent readings from ACIM as well as some other special volumes for daily meditation and prayer. Mom and I both loved to read from a little volume called God Calling and I had a few other rotating daily devotionals, namely Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach and Pocketful of Miracles by Joan Borysenko. All of these materials are designed to be used as daily meditation guides so they're formatted with short meditations for each day of the year. Those two particular authors quote generously from the Course.The Workbook of ACIM can be used in this way too as it includes 365 lessons and the reader is encouraged to do one a day or even take longer--as long as no more than one a day is attempted. Slowly, I integrated the Workbook into my daily meditation/prayer time and it has stayed with me. I don't think I'd attempted the lessons since the mid 1990s after an earlier attempt in 1985--shortly after I purchased the set. I don't know how I would have dealt with mom's passing without exposure to this material once again. I needed the ultimate comfort that it provides as it explains death of the body in such clear, unambiguous language and it also explains the eternal nature of Spirit in equally unambiguous language.

There have been a few more deaths since that time. Each one has been met with this knowledge, this reassuring Voice that is with me always. And it's not just death it helps me with. It's life. Life as I'm choosing to experience it. Each day brings new opportunities for choosing between two things and that choice can be applied to anything because our choices fall under one column or the other. Is it love or fear? Which one will I choose at this very moment? When I choose fear, I'm listening to the ego. The world of the ego is scary! It's the world of suffering, withering and eventually dying. The world of love is permanent. It is--unlike the world of fear--forgiving, comforting and eternally good. I have this choice every moment, as we all do. I still choose fear often. But I'm getting so much better at making the better choice. And the Course assures me that at some point there will be no choice because ultimately there is no choice. We were already "given everything when [we] were created." (Text, page 11)

In September of 2022 I spent two weeks in Southern California at my godmother's house petsitting while she went to Hawaii. It was while there in Hermosa Beach that I contacted a person listed as the facilitator of a Course in Miracles discussion group back in Atlanta listed on the MeetUp app. We spoke by phone for nearly half an hour. Her name was Clarice and she sounded like someone I wanted to know better. In fact, the group sounded like a good place to share thoughts about the Course with others. It certainly couldn't hurt to try. I was kind of bummed that they only met via ZOOM and it had been that way since the pandemic. But it did make the ease of attending a group session appealing. Ever since, I've been rewarded greatly by having a wonderful, rotating group of many other seekers who come from every background and all have different stories about how and when they came to the Course. Joining a group to chat about ACIM isn't a prerequisite nor is it necessary as anyone can benefit simply by reading the material on his or her own. But it has been nice to share my thoughts with others. 

When we moved to Mexico last year I was careful to pack my trusty old three-volume set of ACIM with all it's earmarked yellowed pages and heavily highlighted sections. I noticed that I still had an address label in the front from one of the first places I lived when I moved to Texas. I had no idea how to prepare for living here but I knew that I had to have it with me. Within just a couple weeks, I knew why.

(continued)

 

 

A Course in Miracles and Me (Back to Basics) Part II

 When you are sad, know this need not be. Depression comes from a sense of being deprived of something you want and do not have. Remember that you are deprived of nothing except by your own decisions, and then decide otherwise.

When you are anxious, realize that anxiety comes from the capriciousness of the ego, and know this need not be. You can be as vigilant against the ego's dictates as for them.

When you feel guilty, remember that the ego has indeed violated the laws of God, but you have not. Leave the "sins" of the ego to me. That is what Atonement is for. But until you change your mind about those whom your ego has hurt, the Atonement cannot release you. While you feel guilty your ego is in command, because only the ego can experience guilt. This need not be.

(from the Text, p. 63)

The Christian terminology was familiar--most of it. But it was used in an entirely different way than what my lifelong Catholic/Christian upbringing had embedded into the deepest recesses of my mind. What was this? And why was it so immediately appealing to me? Had it not been for my cousin Kathy, I likely would have eventually been led to this material in another way. But it was such a blessing to have another person with whom to share this new knowledge. We were like explorers of a new frontier and it was all so exciting. But...I was also twenty years old. I was excited about discovering other things and all of them were related to the ego. The body. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to party. I wanted to experience these "sins of the ego." 

So I did. 

Kathy and I stayed in touch long after I moved on and into a life of searching. The Course stayed with me. In 1985, I purchased my own three volume set (quite an investment as $40.00 adjusted for inflation converts to around $115 today) and I frequented its pages pretty regularly. That doesn't mean that I lived its principles. Far from it. But it was there and I found myself reaching for it at times when I'm sure I needed its lovely, comforting words. A Course in Miracles found its way into the headlines from time to time as well. In 1992, when I faced the prospect of death from a chronic illness, there it was. And around the same time Marianne Williamson came out with her New York Times bestseller featured on Oprah: A Return to Love. Confronted with what I perceived as imminent death, I read Marianne's book with great interest and a renewed dedication to studying the Course. But eventually life took additional twists as it does...and the Course would be pulled from my shelf when needed. It was like a book of recipes that one must refer to again and again because the preparation of a particular dish is filled with steps that are difficult to embed and memorize.

In 2001, Kathy passed away. If I were using Course terminology I might suggest that she transitioned or that her body was no longer useful to her. My "Course connection" was no longer just a phone call away. I tried to get my mother to do the workbook lessons with me for a period--calling her each day as I was still living in Texas. She really tried to accommodate me but things fizzled when I could tell she just wasn't that "into" it. I think that it was people dying that kept bringing me back to the Course. One by one as I "lost" people who were meaningful to my life, I would revisit its pages to offer some solace because for me, death was still the most difficult thing to accept. I needed some assurance that this wasn't all there was. The Course was perfect for that because it reminded me that this wasn't real to begin with. 

By 2013, my father died after a struggle with Parkinson's and dementia. Soon after, I found myself in Virginia leaving twenty-seven years in Texas and a life far away from my roots. I also found myself as caregiver to my then 90 year-old mother and on a six year journey of abstinence from alcohol. Within the span of two years I would meet and marry my husband and a new journey would begin. The Course reappeared frequently as I discovered lots of spiritual resources that not only referred to it or closely mirrored it (such as don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements and Neale Donald Walsh's series of Conversations with God) but also because death kept happening. There was no escaping it. I also found myself attending the Catholic Church again as mom and my husband were still faithful churchgoers. It wasn't until 2016 that I was confronted with yet another health scare and this one put me face-to-face with death and my ego. The Course would reemerge in a big way but my ego would take me to a very dark place before that happened. I lost sight that this need not be.

(continued)

A Course in Miracles and Me (Back to Basics) Part I

 This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take it is voluntary. Free will does not mean that you can establish the curriculum. It means only that you can elect what you want to take at a given time. The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love's presence, which is your natural inheritance. The opposite of love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite. This course can therefore be summed up very simply in this way:

Nothing real can be threatened.   

Nothing unreal exists.

Herein lies the peace of God.

That was the first paragraph I read from A Course in Miracles--a self-administered, self-taught course of spiritual psychotherapy. I believe I read it aloud alongside my cousin Kathy, with whom I was then living. She had just purchased the three-volume set of books at a cost of $40.00 from Taylor's Bookstore in Arlington, Texas. We excitedly tore into them as we had been anticipating this day which came so unexpectedly--even though we knew it would someday happen. I know that we did a cursory examination together...and then separately took a volume each to examine more closely. I grabbed the Manual for Teachers (it was the shortest) while I seem to recall her grabbing the Text (the largest of the three-volume set) while we left the middle volume (Workbook) to peruse later together. The order of the books is laid out just like any other set of educational materials typically taught in a classroom of students. But for this set of books, the students are my brothers (referred to in the masculine throughout the material) and the classroom is this world. Only it's not real. The world, that is.

Immediately--wasting no time at all--the material gives me what would seem an outrageous premise. Nothing I see with this body's eyes is real. Perception is a result, not a cause. Projection makes perception. "The world you see is what you gave it, nothing more than that." Immediately--as well--did I find these words more comforting than anything I'd ever heard. I was twenty years old. Kathy (my cousin) was thirty-eight, a divorced mother with a teenage son. She had taken me in as a kind of wayward child. It was my second attempt at living in Texas because my first attempt ended in financial disaster. Returning to Pennsylvania (the scene of my youth) with my tail between my legs and with mom and dad's ever-ready help, I moved back with every intention of one day returning to Texas. Reasonably speaking, it would have been an impossibility on whatever salary an unskilled, college dropout kid would make. Even though I didn't realize this at the time, Kathy did. And she took me in! I will never forget that. And I actually think it gave her pleasure because her own father and mother had kicked me out of their house the previous year. That's another story but a good one. 

A few weeks after I moved in with my cousin in the early summer of 1984, I finally asked her what was different about her. I mean, she glowed! She was a huge beam of positive energy. The deeply depressed little boy who lived inside my head at the time was curious. Had she changed? Yes, indeed it was affirmed. She had changed as in, like, 360 degrees! The story was a bit long but the gist of it was this: She had a mental breakdown, she traveled to see a friend who had studied psychology and worked for a licensed psychologist. He counseled her and gave her a book titled Love is Letting Go of Fear by Dr. Jerry Jampolsky. She claimed this book changed her life. She was so inspired by it and so excited about it that she bought numerous copies for siblings, parents and cousins. She gave one to me. She told me very simply, "It's the truth, Tom." She expressed that she was kind of bummed that no one else seemed to have the type of ecstatic reaction she had...but just "read it and tell me what you think!" 

I devoured the book in what seemed like less than a day. It's a small formatted paperback. But I couldn't just finish the book in that time because it had a series of lessons in the 2nd part that needed to be carried out one each day for two weeks, I believe. I so liked what I'd already read that it was no problem for me to carry out the instructions and I did them--as instructed. Daily. The transformation I felt at the time was immediate. I seemed to have the same reaction to the material as she had! My excitement just seemed to re-ignite hers and so we bonded over what both of us came to call "the TRUTH." 

Dr. Jampolsky credits A Course in Miracles throughout the book and cites numerous quotes. The various lessons in the second part are lifted almost directly from ACIM's workbook. Still basking in the feelings I had from Jampolsky's book, I naturally began to question access to the source material. Where could we find this "course" in "miracles?" I asked Kathy to ask the psychologist friend about it but he kind of dismissed it as a difficult to understand work authored by someone who was supposed to have channeled the information. He told her that the content would be confusing so he didn't recommend it. It didn't stop us, however, from looking for it. Then, a few months later, while shopping at Taylor's Bookstore (long since closed) we found ourselves in the often perused "metaphysical" section and there they were. Just the one set! "Oh my god, Tom! I have to get them!" She had no argument from me and I couldn't afford the--at the time--exorbitant price of $40.00. What unfolded in the weeks, months and years to come was a lifelong love for what I've always believed was the TRUTH. ACIM would sit back on my shelf for long periods of time throughout those years but it was always there. And I turned back to it frequently. It rests in my spirit once again as I traverse this twilight of my life. 

(continued)