When you are sad, know this need not be. Depression comes from a sense of being deprived of something you want and do not have. Remember that you are deprived of nothing except by your own decisions, and then decide otherwise.
When you are anxious, realize that anxiety comes from the capriciousness of the ego, and know this need not be. You can be as vigilant against the ego's dictates as for them.
When you feel guilty, remember that the ego has indeed violated the laws of God, but you have not. Leave the "sins" of the ego to me. That is what Atonement is for. But until you change your mind about those whom your ego has hurt, the Atonement cannot release you. While you feel guilty your ego is in command, because only the ego can experience guilt. This need not be.
(from the Text, p. 63)
The Christian terminology was familiar--most of it. But it was used in an entirely different way than what my lifelong Catholic/Christian upbringing had embedded into the deepest recesses of my mind. What was this? And why was it so immediately appealing to me? Had it not been for my cousin Kathy, I likely would have eventually been led to this material in another way. But it was such a blessing to have another person with whom to share this new knowledge. We were like explorers of a new frontier and it was all so exciting. But...I was also twenty years old. I was excited about discovering other things and all of them were related to the ego. The body. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to party. I wanted to experience these "sins of the ego."
So I did.
Kathy and I stayed in touch long after I moved on and into a life of searching. The Course stayed with me. In 1985, I purchased my own three volume set (quite an investment as $40.00 adjusted for inflation converts to around $115 today) and I frequented its pages pretty regularly. That doesn't mean that I lived its principles. Far from it. But it was there and I found myself reaching for it at times when I'm sure I needed its lovely, comforting words. A Course in Miracles found its way into the headlines from time to time as well. In 1992, when I faced the prospect of death from a chronic illness, there it was. And around the same time Marianne Williamson came out with her New York Times bestseller featured on Oprah: A Return to Love. Confronted with what I perceived as imminent death, I read Marianne's book with great interest and a renewed dedication to studying the Course. But eventually life took additional twists as it does...and the Course would be pulled from my shelf when needed. It was like a book of recipes that one must refer to again and again because the preparation of a particular dish is filled with steps that are difficult to embed and memorize.
In 2001, Kathy passed away. If I were using Course terminology I might suggest that she transitioned or that her body was no longer useful to her. My "Course connection" was no longer just a phone call away. I tried to get my mother to do the workbook lessons with me for a period--calling her each day as I was still living in Texas. She really tried to accommodate me but things fizzled when I could tell she just wasn't that "into" it. I think that it was people dying that kept bringing me back to the Course. One by one as I "lost" people who were meaningful to my life, I would revisit its pages to offer some solace because for me, death was still the most difficult thing to accept. I needed some assurance that this wasn't all there was. The Course was perfect for that because it reminded me that this wasn't real to begin with.
By 2013, my father died after a struggle with Parkinson's and dementia. Soon after, I found myself in Virginia leaving twenty-seven years in Texas and a life far away from my roots. I also found myself as caregiver to my then 90 year-old mother and on a six year journey of abstinence from alcohol. Within the span of two years I would meet and marry my husband and a new journey would begin. The Course reappeared frequently as I discovered lots of spiritual resources that not only referred to it or closely mirrored it (such as don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements and Neale Donald Walsh's series of Conversations with God) but also because death kept happening. There was no escaping it. I also found myself attending the Catholic Church again as mom and my husband were still faithful churchgoers. It wasn't until 2016 that I was confronted with yet another health scare and this one put me face-to-face with death and my ego. The Course would reemerge in a big way but my ego would take me to a very dark place before that happened. I lost sight that this need not be.
(continued)
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