"Simply do this: Be still, and lay aside all thoughts of what you are and what God is; all concepts you have learned about the world; all images you hold about yourself. Empty your mind of everything it thinks is either true or false, or good or bad, of every thought it judges worthy, and all the ideas of which it is ashamed. Hold onto nothing. Do not bring with you one thought the past has taught, nor one belief you ever learned before from anything. Forget this world, forget this course, and come with wholly empty hands unto your God."
(Workbook, Lesson 189)
When we moved to Monterrey in September of 2023, I was excited to be in the midst of doing the ACIM Workbook lessons once again. I wasn't pressuring myself as I had in the past to get them done or move through them on any time frame. The Course only reminds me not to attempt to do more than one lesson a day...and keeping in mind what is stated in the Preface: "...one might want to remain with a particularly appealing lesson for more than one day," there were times when I would spend up to a week on a particular lesson.
In the early morning hours of October 12, I woke to my husband Edu screaming in what could only be described as agonizing pain. At first he refused to allow me to call a taxi or Uber but eventually acquiesced and permitted a call to his cousin who lives here in the city. He was doubled over in pain and I could not imagine navigating anything at 3:00 AM in a city with which I was unfamiliar and didn't speak the language. He was unable to form coherent sentences. When his cousin Nat did arrive, we loaded him into her car and took him to a local emergency room for an evaluation. They admitted him almost immediately and after a short series of tests and X-rays were performed it was recommended that he have his gall bladder removed at once since he had a very serious infection. Medicine was administered to help control the pain and it was decided that we should proceed. It was a laparoscopic surgery and couldn't be performed until later in the day. Memories of my "failed" laparoscopic surgery in 2016 danced in my mind with many other fears that all resulted in catastrophic endings. But the gentle words of the Course kept coming to my mind. God is the strength in which I trust, There is nothing to fear, God's Voice speaks to me all through the day and I am sustained by the Love of God...these were my new mantras and what would have paralyzed me perhaps just months before suddenly became a way to put ACIM into practice. When I made the choice to see everything differently, miracles began to make themselves known in very meaningful ways. The procedure began with a lovely English-speaking surgeon who assured me, while I had tears streaming down my face, that all would be OK. I told him I had complete confidence in the skill of his hands. He told me, verbatim, "They are not my hands. They are Jesus' hands." Incidentally, the doctor's name was David, not Jesus. Hours stretched as I waited alone in a large, sparsely decorated room. I had my journal and I had the Course. I went back and forth between the two praying, talking with my sister Mary across the miles who was very reassuring but couldn't prevent the occasional sobbing. When once again it was just me and the four walls, a kind, soft-spoken woman appeared to me. She told me her name was Meredith and she couldn't help but overhear me speaking. She gently took hold of my arm, telling me that she was also from the U.S. and if I ever needed someone to talk to I could call her. With that, she gave me her phone number. There was just one other waiting room in this corridor and she was the only person in it. Edu did recover and he was released within days. I could have chalked this all up to happy coincidence or chance but I choose to see it differently. At every moment of this "crisis" I defaulted to ego and at every turn, I made the decision to look at it differently and each time, that shift in perception assured me that this chaos was not real. What has made me safe--us safe--has never left me and never will. I was not alone.
On another morning in the second week of January, I checked in on a dear friend via neighbors back in Atlanta. Her family in Florida was concerned as they hadn't heard from her. She was found dead in her unit--just a few doors down from us. Milena was a friend with whom I'd had extensive talks about the Course and spirituality in general. As devastating as her death was I decided to look at it differently. Through the Course's perspective I was able to realize that her spirit was alive and part of me. She didn't die. Her body expired but absolutely nothing of her essence died. At another time and place in my life, news of this type would have sunk me into a weeks--if not months--long depression. I made the decision to look at things differently and again that shift in perception assured me that this chaos was not real. Again...I was not alone.
"When anything seems to you to be a source of fear, when any situation strikes you with terror and makes your body tremble and the cold sweat of fear comes over it, remember it is always for one reason; the ego has perceived it as a symbol of fear, a sign of sin and death. Remember, then, that neither sign nor symbol should be confused with source, for they must stand for something other than themselves. Their meaning cannot lie in them, but must be sought in what they represent. And they may thus mean everything or nothing, according to the truth or falsity of the idea which they reflect. Confronted with such seeming uncertainty of meaning, judge it not. Remember the holy Presence of the One given to you to be the Source of judgement. Give it to Him to judge for you and say: Take this from me and look upon it, judging it for me. Let me not see it as a sign of sin and death, nor use it for destruction. Teach me how not to make of it an obstacle to peace, but let You use it for me, to facilitate its coming." (Text, pg. 421)
Where do I go from here with this information? From the title of that first book my cousin Kathy gave to me back in 1984 to today. The idea that "Love is Letting Go of Fear" seems to get stronger with each day. I still fear and still allow ego to direct my thinking from time to time but it's getting easier to make the choice for Love. In the end, it's the only thing there is.
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