Pain Management 102: Forgiveness

 In a parallel universe, I'm sitting on my lanai in Atlanta--possibly enjoying a refreshing beverage as I get our garden back into shape after an eight month absence. As lovely as my husband's Mexico assignment was, it is now a fond memory with numerous photographs and mementos to remind us of the blessings of the universe. I am preparing meals again in my own kitchen with my own utensils and asking Alexa--in English--to set multiple timers. I'm making plans to visit my favorite museums and catching up with friends in person and not over FaceTime or Zoom. In a parallel universe...

Everything was set. Transportation to the border was guaranteed with dependable drivers. Everything was packed meticulously. Keys were in an envelope ready to be surrendered to the landlord as we made ourselves comfortable in an AirB&B for a couple nights. Mexico would soon be in our rearview mirror and a multi-state road trip with stops in Austin and Baton Rouge was on the horizon. You know that John Lennon quote "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans?" He was right. All hell broke loose in the midst of all this complex preparation. And the central theme was PAIN. I wrote all about pain in my last article. Let's re-visit it shall we?

I wrote about how A Course in Miracles (a set of books designed for self-guided spiritual psychotherapy) reminds us that pain is in one's mind. The mind controls the body--not the other way around. I wrote that essay while relatively pain-free although I do live with chronic, recurring pain due to multiple physical ailments. Anyone who has experienced real debilitating pain can tell you that while you are experiencing such pain, nothing else exists. It overrides all the circuitry. It causes outbursts of crying and sobbing and--in the case of the pain I experienced last Wednesday into Friday--a thought very real occured that I would gladly choose death instead of this if they were my only two choices. It wasn't just a kidney stone as that would have been bad enough but controllable with medication and proper treatment. But it was more than that. I had a very serious kidney infection that, left untreated, could result in sepsis. A surgical procedure was necessary. My body was failing me and my mind wasn't able to turn that around. Or...maybe it was but I wasn't there yet spiritually. I tried the mantras: I am not a body. I am free. I could see this differently. I could see Peace instead of this. I might as well have been throwing gasoline onto a raging fire. All that those reminders did for me was to let me know that they weren't working.

I still believe that as long as we identify with the body--that is, tell ourselves that our body is who we are--we will experience pain. I guess my frustration went full ego as I castigated myself for not "getting it" after all these years of studying and praying and meditating. Was it all for naught? That's certainly what the ego was telling me. Just throw in the towel. It's downhill from here, buddy. It doesn't take much when it comes to pain for the ego to escort you back to hell...quickly. But I wouldn't be writing this essay if the pain was still present. It was severe but temporary. But it was also a reminder that the body my spirit seems to inhabit is also temporary. Very temporary in the big scheme of things. 

What was I supposed to learn from all this? Was I doing too much physical activity? Was it a mistake to try a zip line for the first time in my life a couple weeks ago? Was I not drinking enough water? All good questions considering my previous health issues and age but those really aren't the right questions and they certainly wouldn't provide me with the right answers. I certainly could treat my body better--no doubt about that. But I needed to know the deeper, metaphysical reason that I felt such pain. I started to think of a word that just kept coming up over and over again. And it was soon joined by another word that started to float around in my consciousness around the same time. The first word was forgiveness and the second one was surrender. I kind of "got" the surrender word because there was really little I could do but surrender to the moment, to the pain--at the time of its occurrence. But forgiveness? That singular word that holds such weight not only with The Course but in a general sense flashed reminding me of that last essay on pain. Wasn't that part of the essay? I had to check. I wrote about a fleeting moment where I actually experienced diminished--even eradicated--pain. Certainly the pain was not of the magnitude that occurred with this recent bout but it shocked me that I was able to use my mind--however briefly--to eliminate pain. I shared a lesson from the workbook (198) that prompted the realization: "Only my condemnation injures me. Only my own forgiveness sets me free.  Do not forget today that there can be no form of suffering that fails to hide an unforgiving thought. Nor can there be a form of pain forgiveness cannot heal." There it was. The forgiveness component of pain management. 

The realization that I have very far to go on this "forgiveness" matter is making things clearer to me. I have some difficulty with surrender but I have a wall (very thick) when it comes to forgiveness. And forgiveness--through the eyes of A Course in Miracles--is not the same forgiveness that I learned growing up in the Catholic Church. Forgiveness is difficult in that framework as well. We all know the drill: ..."we forgive those who trespass against us" as a way of being the bigger person, the righteous Christian. They've sinned. That doesn't change. But we "forgive" them. Forgiveness as it is expressed in A Course in Miracles turns that concept on its head. According to the Preface of the course, "The world we see merely reflects our own internal frame of reference—the dominant ideas, wishes and emotions in our minds. 'Projection makes perception'. We look inside first, decide the kind of world we want to see and then project that world outside, making it the truth as we see it. We make it true by our interpretations of what it is we are seeing. If we are using perception to justify our own mistakes—our anger, our impulses to attack, our lack of love in whatever form it may take—we will see a world of evil, destruction, malice, envy and despair. All this we must learn to forgive, not because we are being 'good' and 'charitable,' but because what we are seeing is not true. We have distorted the world by our twisted defenses, and are therefore seeing what is not there. As we learn to recognize our perceptual errors, we also learn to look past them or 'forgive.' At the same time we are forgiving ourselves, looking past our distorted self-concepts to the Self That God created in us and as us." (from the Preface to A Course in Miracles) In other words, we're not forgiving sin. We're forgiving the illusion of sin. I have a long list of illusions I've never forgiven. I've tried. And I've even tried forgiving myself because when I forgive my brother, I am forgiving myself. 

A second surgical procedure is scheduled for Friday of this week if my lab work and CT scans look okay for the doctor. I have a few days to see where forgiveness takes me. Pain could return. But if it does--if it stays--if it comes and goes in any form, I need only remember that there is no form of pain that forgiveness cannot heal. I'm praying for a miracle. At least I know what to focus on. 

Pain Management

 A Course in Miracles has been an invaluable resource for me, spiritually speaking. If you read the previous four-part essay on my personal journey you can see how its impact has reverberated through the years. It's a continual learning process and I've not "mastered" any of it. But to really grasp it and its lovely message isn't rocket science. There have been periods where I'm in complete awe of the shift in perception that moments of awareness and clarity have granted me. I'm extremely grateful for those and I hope to continue to extend them as I also continue to teach and learn.

There is, however, one consistently challenging truth that I'm certain is indeed true and real but oh so difficult to grasp in the midst of perceived physical pain. First, let me be clear that I've never been good with pain. I can remember moments in childhood where even the smallest painful episode could immobilize me and have me crying in quite dramatic agony. This was clearly not only physical pain that I was suffering but also deep psychic pain that perhaps manifested physiologically from time to time. Whatever it was I didn't deal with it well. Moving into adulthood, periods of sickness would leave me bedridden and feeling helpless--even with the common cold. 

It came as no surprise when I suffered severe physical trauma after undergoing a trio of operations (literally to save my life) in 2016 that I became heavily dependent on available medicines and pharmaceutical approaches to managing the resultant chronic pain. To report that I became addicted to pain medicines might be a bit strong but dependent seems appropriate since the prescriptions would run their course and I did not seek out street heroin as a solution. The pain did return, however, and the persistent ongoing struggle with it made each day a challenge. I tried holistic remedies. I tried using non-prescription drugs that were available but nothing worked. Depression typically followed as pain management doctors' hands were tied--due to the raging opioid epidemic sweeping the nation by that time. Trust me, I wasn't seeking out medications for a thrill or "high"...I simply wanted to make the pain go away. I was on my own. Or so I thought.

There is a Workbook lesson in the Course (190) that tells me "pain is a wrong perspective." What exactly does that mean? Well, the Course is consistent and never contradicts itself. One of the primary attractions for me is its complete unambiguity. Since I'm really not this body, could pain be real? Pain is "self-deception" and "not a fact at all." Yeah, try telling that to someone with 3rd degree burns or several broken ribs. Digging deeper, however, it tells me that ultimately, my mind (or spirit) is real and eternal. My body is not. Is it so crazy to think that if I mastered this thought as my reality it would be impossible to experience pain...in any form? Well, I'm not there yet. But I can share an experience that gave me a window--brief as it was--to the reality of this concept.

It happened a few weeks ago. I've since only shared this with a few people and now I'm about to share it with thousands. I was having a particularly difficult morning not only with my ongoing hernia and GI difficulties but also with an accompanying raging headache. Doing my morning meditation/prayer seemed more like a chore than a refreshing start but I didn't want to lose my momentum. I'd been doing so well it seemed. But this was a difficult morning. So I tried best I could to find a comfortable position to meditate. As usual, I used the Workbook lesson for the day  as source material for my guided thoughts. What was this? Really? The lesson title was "Only my condemnation injures me" (198) and it didn't sound very soothing. I read on however: "Only my condemnation injures me. Only my own forgiveness sets me free.  Do not forget today that there can be no form of suffering that fails to hide an unforgiving thought. Nor can there be a form of pain forgiveness cannot heal." As I shifted my thoughts to forgiveness I began to feel less pain. It's remarkable really. The moment was fleeting but it was a glimpse of reality. The hernia pain, the gut pain and even the headache just evaporated. As I journey through the Course I realize that I am constantly deciding what I want to learn when I want to learn it. Each time I make that decision I realize that I am Whole, Complete and Perfect. I am truly not a body. I am free.

Did my day continue without pain? No. Have I had several pain-wracked days since this experience? Yes. But...for a fleeting number of minutes (I have no idea how long it actually lasted) I had zero pain. It was real. And it offers hope to anyone who appears to suffer deep physical or emotional pain. I'm pretty convinced this is what Jesus actually did when he healed people. He just convincingly reminded them--with total non-judgmental, unconditional love--who they really were and they were actually healed. The Miracle was real. 

"It is your thoughts alone that cause you pain. Nothing external to your mind can hurt or injure you in any way. There is no cause beyond yourself that can reach down and bring oppression. No one but yourself affects you. There is nothing in the world that has the power to make you ill or sad, or weak or frail. But it is you who have the power to dominate all things you see by merely recognizing what you are. ...And so again we make the only choice that can ever be made; we choose between illusions and the truth, or pain and joy, or hell and Heaven. Let our gratitude unto our Teacher fill our hearts, as we are free to choose our joy instead of pain, our holiness in place of sin, the peace of God instead of conflict, and the light of Heaven for the darkness of the world."  

(Workbook, lesson 190)

A Course in Miracles and Me (Back to Basics) Part IV

 "Simply do this: Be still, and lay aside all thoughts of what you are and what God is; all concepts you have learned about the world; all images you hold about yourself. Empty your mind of everything it thinks is either true or false, or good or bad, of every thought it judges worthy, and all the ideas of which it is ashamed. Hold onto nothing. Do not bring with you one thought the past has taught, nor one belief you ever learned before from anything. Forget this world, forget this course, and come with wholly empty hands unto your God."

(Workbook, Lesson 189)

When we moved to Monterrey in September of 2023, I was excited to be in the midst of doing the ACIM Workbook lessons once again. I wasn't pressuring myself as I had in the past to get them done or move through them on any time frame. The Course only reminds me not to attempt to do more than one lesson a day...and keeping in mind what is stated in the Preface: "...one might want to remain with a particularly appealing lesson for more than one day," there were times when I would spend up to a week on a particular lesson. 

In the early morning hours of October 12, I woke to my husband Edu screaming in what could only be described as agonizing pain. At first he refused to allow me to call a taxi or Uber but eventually acquiesced and permitted a call to his cousin who lives here in the city. He was doubled over in pain and I could not imagine navigating anything at 3:00 AM in a city with which I was unfamiliar and didn't speak the language. He was unable to form coherent sentences. When his cousin Nat did arrive, we loaded him into her car and took him to a local emergency room for an evaluation. They admitted him almost immediately and after a short series of tests and X-rays were performed it was recommended that he have his gall bladder removed at once since he had a very serious infection. Medicine was administered to help control the pain and it was decided that we should proceed. It was a laparoscopic surgery and couldn't be performed until later in the day.  Memories of my "failed" laparoscopic surgery in 2016 danced in my mind with many other fears that all resulted in catastrophic endings. But the gentle words of the Course kept coming to my mind. God is the strength in which I trust, There is nothing to fear, God's Voice speaks to me all through the day  and I am sustained by the Love of God...these were my new mantras and what would have paralyzed me perhaps just months before suddenly became a way to put ACIM into practice. When I made the choice to see everything differently, miracles began to make themselves known in very meaningful ways. The procedure began with a lovely English-speaking surgeon who assured me, while I had tears streaming down my face, that all would be OK. I told him I had complete confidence in the skill of his hands. He told me, verbatim, "They are not my hands. They are Jesus' hands." Incidentally, the doctor's name was David, not Jesus. Hours stretched as I waited alone in a large, sparsely decorated room. I had my journal and I had the Course. I went back and forth between the two praying, talking with my sister Mary across the miles who was very reassuring but couldn't prevent the occasional sobbing. When once again it was just me and the four walls, a kind, soft-spoken woman appeared to me. She told me her name was Meredith and she couldn't help but overhear me speaking. She gently took hold of my arm, telling me that she was also from the U.S. and if I ever needed someone to talk to I could call her. With that, she gave me her phone number. There was just one other waiting room in this corridor and she was the only person in it. Edu did recover and he was released within days. I could have chalked this all up to happy coincidence or chance but I choose to see it differently. At every moment of this "crisis" I defaulted to ego and at every turn, I made the decision to look at it differently and each time, that shift in perception assured me that this chaos was not real. What has made me safe--us safe--has never left me and never will. I was not alone. 

On another morning in the second week of January, I checked in on a dear friend via neighbors back in Atlanta. Her family in Florida was concerned as they hadn't heard from her. She was found dead in her unit--just a few doors down from us. Milena was a friend with whom I'd had extensive talks about the Course and spirituality in general. As devastating as her death was I decided to look at it differently. Through the Course's perspective I was able to realize that her spirit was alive and part of me. She didn't die. Her body expired but absolutely nothing of her essence died. At another time and place in my life, news of this type would have sunk me into a weeks--if not months--long depression.  I made the decision to look at things differently and again that shift in perception assured me that this chaos was not real. Again...I was not alone. 

"When anything seems to you to be a source of fear, when any situation strikes you with terror and makes your body tremble and the cold sweat of fear comes over it, remember it is always for one reason; the ego has perceived it as a symbol of fear, a sign of sin and death. Remember, then, that neither sign nor symbol should be confused with source, for they must stand for something other than themselves. Their meaning cannot lie in them, but must be sought in what they represent. And they may thus mean everything or nothing, according to the truth or falsity of the idea which they reflect. Confronted with such seeming uncertainty of meaning, judge it not. Remember the holy Presence of the One given to you to be the Source of judgement. Give it to Him to judge for you and say: Take this from me and look upon it, judging it for me. Let me not see it as a sign of sin and death, nor use it for destruction. Teach me how not to make of it an obstacle to peace, but let You use it for me, to facilitate its coming."   (Text, pg. 421)

Where do I go from here with this information? From the title of that first book my cousin Kathy gave to me back in 1984 to today. The idea that "Love is Letting Go of Fear" seems to get stronger with each day. I still fear and still allow ego to direct my thinking from time to time but it's getting easier to make the choice for Love. In the end, it's the only thing there is. 

A Course in Miracles and Me (Back to Basics) Part III

 "This is the only thing that you need to do for vision, happiness, release from pain and the complete escape from sin, all to be given you. Say only this but mean it with no reservations, for here the power of salvation lies:

I am responsible for what I see.

 I choose the feelings I experience, and I decide

upon the goal I would achieve.

And everything that seems to happen to me

I ask for, and receive as I have asked."

(Text, page 448)

The names of the collaborators (Helen Schucman and Bill Thetford) are nowhere found in the books that make up the three volume set of A Course in Miracles nor are they heavily publicized elsewhere in ACIM literature and few if any of the numerous ACIM followers' books will you see these names. Beyond Marianne Williamson, some of the earlier writers (among them Jerry Jampolsky and Hugh Prather) and a few other notable names, there is what seems like a whole new roster of ACIM writers out there who materialized long after my introduction to The Course. But regarding the source material itself, very few of these writers mention Helen or Bill. Why is this? The Preface to ACIM actually answers that question. According to the writer of the Preface, "The names of the collaborators in the recording of the Course do not appear on the cover because the Course can and should stand on its own. It is not intended to become the basis for another cult. Its only purpose is to provide a way in which some people will be able to find their own Internal Teacher." (Preface, page viii)

One of my earliest journal entries after I "discovered" the Course had me reassuring myself that I'd not "joined a cult" as I was leery of anything that had cultish undertones. The late 1970s and early 80s were prime periods for what became a pretty popular business of "deprogrammers" who parents would hire to try and persuade their grown (and sometimes minor) children to leave any number of organizations that had gained great popularity--such as the Unification Church (Moonies) or Hare Krishna (satirized comically as popping out of corners at any airport selling incense and pamphlets) which had a reputation of "kidnapping" these impressionable young folks. I knew that ACIM was about as far from that as could be. I also knew that it would impact my life forever.

But it stayed on my bookshelf for long periods between numerous spiritual adventures and a brief flirtation with agnosticism and even atheism. By 2016, having been married for not even an entire year, my whole life was flipped upside down when results from a perforated bowel surgery put me at death's door and awarded me a  nearly three-month hospital stay. Recovering from laparoscopic surgery just a few days before the incident, the emergency abdominal washout was extremely invasive and has left both physical and emotional scars. It was necessary, however, to save my life. After coming out of the powerful anesthesia, the pain that racked my body (and this was pain experienced while dosed with very powerful pain medication) had me convinced that I was on the way out. I was angry and scared as I lay on that hospital bed. I have no idea how I did it but I managed to make a phone call to the church where we'd all become parishioners. Mom liked that church so much. The on-call "priest" was actually a deacon and one that I didn't find comforting in any sense. I don't even recall what he suggested beyond praying with me but he didn't even offer to come to the hospital to see me. There was some noting of the late hour. But no one ever showed up. And I guess that's my point. I was at the very deepest level of fear and just wanting to give my soul or spirit some assurance and none was provided. Did I even think about the Course? I can't recall. But I did think a lot about it once I was back home and on the road to recovery. I know that my survival was a miracle and I'm sure that I was given this extra time to review my life and really examine my relationship with A Course in Miracles. 

Mom's death in 2018 hit me hard. But by the time it happened I had already been using infrequent readings from ACIM as well as some other special volumes for daily meditation and prayer. Mom and I both loved to read from a little volume called God Calling and I had a few other rotating daily devotionals, namely Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach and Pocketful of Miracles by Joan Borysenko. All of these materials are designed to be used as daily meditation guides so they're formatted with short meditations for each day of the year. Those two particular authors quote generously from the Course.The Workbook of ACIM can be used in this way too as it includes 365 lessons and the reader is encouraged to do one a day or even take longer--as long as no more than one a day is attempted. Slowly, I integrated the Workbook into my daily meditation/prayer time and it has stayed with me. I don't think I'd attempted the lessons since the mid 1990s after an earlier attempt in 1985--shortly after I purchased the set. I don't know how I would have dealt with mom's passing without exposure to this material once again. I needed the ultimate comfort that it provides as it explains death of the body in such clear, unambiguous language and it also explains the eternal nature of Spirit in equally unambiguous language.

There have been a few more deaths since that time. Each one has been met with this knowledge, this reassuring Voice that is with me always. And it's not just death it helps me with. It's life. Life as I'm choosing to experience it. Each day brings new opportunities for choosing between two things and that choice can be applied to anything because our choices fall under one column or the other. Is it love or fear? Which one will I choose at this very moment? When I choose fear, I'm listening to the ego. The world of the ego is scary! It's the world of suffering, withering and eventually dying. The world of love is permanent. It is--unlike the world of fear--forgiving, comforting and eternally good. I have this choice every moment, as we all do. I still choose fear often. But I'm getting so much better at making the better choice. And the Course assures me that at some point there will be no choice because ultimately there is no choice. We were already "given everything when [we] were created." (Text, page 11)

In September of 2022 I spent two weeks in Southern California at my godmother's house petsitting while she went to Hawaii. It was while there in Hermosa Beach that I contacted a person listed as the facilitator of a Course in Miracles discussion group back in Atlanta listed on the MeetUp app. We spoke by phone for nearly half an hour. Her name was Clarice and she sounded like someone I wanted to know better. In fact, the group sounded like a good place to share thoughts about the Course with others. It certainly couldn't hurt to try. I was kind of bummed that they only met via ZOOM and it had been that way since the pandemic. But it did make the ease of attending a group session appealing. Ever since, I've been rewarded greatly by having a wonderful, rotating group of many other seekers who come from every background and all have different stories about how and when they came to the Course. Joining a group to chat about ACIM isn't a prerequisite nor is it necessary as anyone can benefit simply by reading the material on his or her own. But it has been nice to share my thoughts with others. 

When we moved to Mexico last year I was careful to pack my trusty old three-volume set of ACIM with all it's earmarked yellowed pages and heavily highlighted sections. I noticed that I still had an address label in the front from one of the first places I lived when I moved to Texas. I had no idea how to prepare for living here but I knew that I had to have it with me. Within just a couple weeks, I knew why.

(continued)

 

 

A Course in Miracles and Me (Back to Basics) Part II

 When you are sad, know this need not be. Depression comes from a sense of being deprived of something you want and do not have. Remember that you are deprived of nothing except by your own decisions, and then decide otherwise.

When you are anxious, realize that anxiety comes from the capriciousness of the ego, and know this need not be. You can be as vigilant against the ego's dictates as for them.

When you feel guilty, remember that the ego has indeed violated the laws of God, but you have not. Leave the "sins" of the ego to me. That is what Atonement is for. But until you change your mind about those whom your ego has hurt, the Atonement cannot release you. While you feel guilty your ego is in command, because only the ego can experience guilt. This need not be.

(from the Text, p. 63)

The Christian terminology was familiar--most of it. But it was used in an entirely different way than what my lifelong Catholic/Christian upbringing had embedded into the deepest recesses of my mind. What was this? And why was it so immediately appealing to me? Had it not been for my cousin Kathy, I likely would have eventually been led to this material in another way. But it was such a blessing to have another person with whom to share this new knowledge. We were like explorers of a new frontier and it was all so exciting. But...I was also twenty years old. I was excited about discovering other things and all of them were related to the ego. The body. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to party. I wanted to experience these "sins of the ego." 

So I did. 

Kathy and I stayed in touch long after I moved on and into a life of searching. The Course stayed with me. In 1985, I purchased my own three volume set (quite an investment as $40.00 adjusted for inflation converts to around $115 today) and I frequented its pages pretty regularly. That doesn't mean that I lived its principles. Far from it. But it was there and I found myself reaching for it at times when I'm sure I needed its lovely, comforting words. A Course in Miracles found its way into the headlines from time to time as well. In 1992, when I faced the prospect of death from a chronic illness, there it was. And around the same time Marianne Williamson came out with her New York Times bestseller featured on Oprah: A Return to Love. Confronted with what I perceived as imminent death, I read Marianne's book with great interest and a renewed dedication to studying the Course. But eventually life took additional twists as it does...and the Course would be pulled from my shelf when needed. It was like a book of recipes that one must refer to again and again because the preparation of a particular dish is filled with steps that are difficult to embed and memorize.

In 2001, Kathy passed away. If I were using Course terminology I might suggest that she transitioned or that her body was no longer useful to her. My "Course connection" was no longer just a phone call away. I tried to get my mother to do the workbook lessons with me for a period--calling her each day as I was still living in Texas. She really tried to accommodate me but things fizzled when I could tell she just wasn't that "into" it. I think that it was people dying that kept bringing me back to the Course. One by one as I "lost" people who were meaningful to my life, I would revisit its pages to offer some solace because for me, death was still the most difficult thing to accept. I needed some assurance that this wasn't all there was. The Course was perfect for that because it reminded me that this wasn't real to begin with. 

By 2013, my father died after a struggle with Parkinson's and dementia. Soon after, I found myself in Virginia leaving twenty-seven years in Texas and a life far away from my roots. I also found myself as caregiver to my then 90 year-old mother and on a six year journey of abstinence from alcohol. Within the span of two years I would meet and marry my husband and a new journey would begin. The Course reappeared frequently as I discovered lots of spiritual resources that not only referred to it or closely mirrored it (such as don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements and Neale Donald Walsh's series of Conversations with God) but also because death kept happening. There was no escaping it. I also found myself attending the Catholic Church again as mom and my husband were still faithful churchgoers. It wasn't until 2016 that I was confronted with yet another health scare and this one put me face-to-face with death and my ego. The Course would reemerge in a big way but my ego would take me to a very dark place before that happened. I lost sight that this need not be.

(continued)

A Course in Miracles and Me (Back to Basics) Part I

 This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take it is voluntary. Free will does not mean that you can establish the curriculum. It means only that you can elect what you want to take at a given time. The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love's presence, which is your natural inheritance. The opposite of love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite. This course can therefore be summed up very simply in this way:

Nothing real can be threatened.   

Nothing unreal exists.

Herein lies the peace of God.

That was the first paragraph I read from A Course in Miracles--a self-administered, self-taught course of spiritual psychotherapy. I believe I read it aloud alongside my cousin Kathy, with whom I was then living. She had just purchased the three-volume set of books at a cost of $40.00 from Taylor's Bookstore in Arlington, Texas. We excitedly tore into them as we had been anticipating this day which came so unexpectedly--even though we knew it would someday happen. I know that we did a cursory examination together...and then separately took a volume each to examine more closely. I grabbed the Manual for Teachers (it was the shortest) while I seem to recall her grabbing the Text (the largest of the three-volume set) while we left the middle volume (Workbook) to peruse later together. The order of the books is laid out just like any other set of educational materials typically taught in a classroom of students. But for this set of books, the students are my brothers (referred to in the masculine throughout the material) and the classroom is this world. Only it's not real. The world, that is.

Immediately--wasting no time at all--the material gives me what would seem an outrageous premise. Nothing I see with this body's eyes is real. Perception is a result, not a cause. Projection makes perception. "The world you see is what you gave it, nothing more than that." Immediately--as well--did I find these words more comforting than anything I'd ever heard. I was twenty years old. Kathy (my cousin) was thirty-eight, a divorced mother with a teenage son. She had taken me in as a kind of wayward child. It was my second attempt at living in Texas because my first attempt ended in financial disaster. Returning to Pennsylvania (the scene of my youth) with my tail between my legs and with mom and dad's ever-ready help, I moved back with every intention of one day returning to Texas. Reasonably speaking, it would have been an impossibility on whatever salary an unskilled, college dropout kid would make. Even though I didn't realize this at the time, Kathy did. And she took me in! I will never forget that. And I actually think it gave her pleasure because her own father and mother had kicked me out of their house the previous year. That's another story but a good one. 

A few weeks after I moved in with my cousin in the early summer of 1984, I finally asked her what was different about her. I mean, she glowed! She was a huge beam of positive energy. The deeply depressed little boy who lived inside my head at the time was curious. Had she changed? Yes, indeed it was affirmed. She had changed as in, like, 360 degrees! The story was a bit long but the gist of it was this: She had a mental breakdown, she traveled to see a friend who had studied psychology and worked for a licensed psychologist. He counseled her and gave her a book titled Love is Letting Go of Fear by Dr. Jerry Jampolsky. She claimed this book changed her life. She was so inspired by it and so excited about it that she bought numerous copies for siblings, parents and cousins. She gave one to me. She told me very simply, "It's the truth, Tom." She expressed that she was kind of bummed that no one else seemed to have the type of ecstatic reaction she had...but just "read it and tell me what you think!" 

I devoured the book in what seemed like less than a day. It's a small formatted paperback. But I couldn't just finish the book in that time because it had a series of lessons in the 2nd part that needed to be carried out one each day for two weeks, I believe. I so liked what I'd already read that it was no problem for me to carry out the instructions and I did them--as instructed. Daily. The transformation I felt at the time was immediate. I seemed to have the same reaction to the material as she had! My excitement just seemed to re-ignite hers and so we bonded over what both of us came to call "the TRUTH." 

Dr. Jampolsky credits A Course in Miracles throughout the book and cites numerous quotes. The various lessons in the second part are lifted almost directly from ACIM's workbook. Still basking in the feelings I had from Jampolsky's book, I naturally began to question access to the source material. Where could we find this "course" in "miracles?" I asked Kathy to ask the psychologist friend about it but he kind of dismissed it as a difficult to understand work authored by someone who was supposed to have channeled the information. He told her that the content would be confusing so he didn't recommend it. It didn't stop us, however, from looking for it. Then, a few months later, while shopping at Taylor's Bookstore (long since closed) we found ourselves in the often perused "metaphysical" section and there they were. Just the one set! "Oh my god, Tom! I have to get them!" She had no argument from me and I couldn't afford the--at the time--exorbitant price of $40.00. What unfolded in the weeks, months and years to come was a lifelong love for what I've always believed was the TRUTH. ACIM would sit back on my shelf for long periods of time throughout those years but it was always there. And I turned back to it frequently. It rests in my spirit once again as I traverse this twilight of my life. 

(continued)

                                                                                                                      

Grieving 102

 There are grieving lessons that I've learned over the years. I don't mean the stages of grief or any of the psychological--numerous as they are--explanations of how each person handles grief differently and acceptance of these aspects of life that have no escape. No. I'm referring to the lessons about the difference between death of a loved one after long (or short) convalescence and the death of someone you love that strikes straight out of the blue. Surprise. You didn't see this one coming, did you? 

I didn't. Strange thing is that death was a subject we talked about frequently. The "we" I'm referring to is me and my neighbor, Milena. She made her exit sometime between last Sunday evening and Tuesday afternoon--when I received a desperate call from her cousin asking me to do a wellness check. There was a problem however. I informed her that I was in Mexico but would take steps to get one or more of my fellow HOA board members back in Atlanta to check in on her. Had I been there, I'd have skipped this formality as I had a key to her unit as a friend--and not one of her condominium board representatives. Protocol decided what happened after. Both of my neighbors and fellow board members knocked and checked windows but did not enter. Instead they called the police--which was the absolute right thing to do. The police found her deceased. Her faithful companion and love of her life--KiKi--was by her side. The police took the dog to animal control and my friend's body was removed by paramedics about an hour later, so I'm told.

We bought our condo in November of 2021. We were drawn to the in-city seclusion of our building...small by condo standards, only 36 units. We fell in love with the structure immediately and were so pleased when our offer was accepted. Moving took place over the months of October and November and by December, we were getting to know neighbors. We met and engaged with several and got to know them by name. Everyone was extremely kind and helpful. During the month of December, we noticed a lovely young lady walking a massive friendly dog several times back and forth on our floor corridor. We quickly learned the names Milena and KiKi--person and dog, respectively. Milena, young enough to be my daughter, was an interior designer and was skilled at her profession. She was an engaging young woman with kind eyes that belied wisdom far beyond her years. Her smile was infectious and her love for her dog was rekindling a feeling in me that I hadn't felt since we'd lost our dog Eva. It was only a matter of time before I was happily dog-sitting KiKi and getting to know Milena (who everyone else had referred to as Mimi) better than anyone I'd met in Atlanta since we'd arrived in 2018. It does seem to be true that there are those individuals we connect with during this short life on a spiritual level and I know she was one of them. She wasn't just my angel in the ensuing months, years. She was also someone's daughter and someone's cousin and someone's lover. She didn't belong to me. She belonged to the universe. She was the free spirit I always wanted to be. Okay, that maybe I once was. I really can count on one hand how many people had affected me this way through the years. But there it was. A connection! A rare one!

I got to know her so well in the months that followed. She told me everything as I did her...no holding back with no fear of recrimination or judgement from the other. I told her secrets and she told me secrets...none that I'd ever share to a public blog. Just know that they were personal and that she trusted me--as I did her. My husband and I adopted our dog from a shelter in December of 2022. Milena had spent Thanksgiving in Atlanta with us over the holiday and, as always, the subject came up. It was just a matter of time before we'd have the joy of a rescue beside us. KiKi and Frida became quick friends but there was always an underlying jealousy since KiKi was convinced that I was her property. That Thanksgiving, Milena actually ate some of my turkey taking a break from her usually strict vegetarian diet. During 2023, she spent a few months in Florida as her unit was refurbished and repaired from a water pipe burst that happened during a cold snap over Christmas. I was tasked with watering her plants but I missed her. I celebrated her return with more frequent visiting and outings to restaurants and engagements. I was thrilled that she chose to come with our group for my birthday. It was special to have her there. We went to a speakeasy and all of us ended up talking metaphysics over drinks. She picked up the tab as a birthday gift to me. That's who she was. As flawed as our egos are, she shined from within and brought joy to my life. I don't know how to be grateful for that. And I don't know how to grieve that. I don't know.

My current belief system--or the one I'm most attracted to--tells me that we are not bodies. In fact, we never were until some tiny, mad idea made all this up. We are eternal. Perfect. Nothing but Love. Our bodies are piles of dust at some point. Where does the energy go?

When I last visited Milena, we shared some wine at my unit and talked and it just felt so good to be with her. I was grateful even though my stay in Atlanta was just a week. I told her that I'd just read an online article about the psychology behind allowing the pet of a deceased owner to view the dead body of the deceased and spend some time with it. The sole reason for this is that the pet is able to sense death and if they are not allowed to see the body, they will believe the owner had deserted them. That was the gist of the article. I was like "What do you think of that?" She spent no time thinking about her answer and enthusiastically said, "It makes TOTAL sense!" We talked of many other things that evening but this part of the conversation still haunts me for obvious reasons. One of our last text exchanges referred to the anniversary of Frida's adoption. I sent her a pic taken at the shelter. I captioned it "We always imagine she's smiling and thinking 'holy fuck! I've got gays! How lucky can you get?'"  She responded with a "haha" click and then this: "She is so lucky!! Everyone is smiling in that pic. What a beautiful family you make." I spoke with her just a few times after that but we always ended our calls with "love you and miss you" so I know those were the last words I ever said to her. I love you, Milena...and I miss you. 

(with KiKi on one of our first dogs dates)

(on an excursion to the Atlanta Botanical Garden)

(a summer gathering of our condo community...sangria summer madness)

(our little family of smiles)